Bachelors Beware
by KimBob
Summary: Ren, Yoh, Ryu, Lyserg, and HoroHoro are in a Bachelor's Auction, but find it's not all it's cracked up to be...
1. The Auction

Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King

CHAPTER ONE – The Auction

"WHAT!"

All the birds within a hundred mile radius of the Asakura house flew and a few of the closer ones fell down dead. Several passers-by covered their ears and ran away, and the people further away gazed curiously in the direction of the house as the blood-curdling scream came from the area.

"Calm down, Ren, old buddy, old pal, you could wake the dead!" Horo Horo attempted with the enraged boy.

"I WILL NOT 'CALM DOWN!' HOW DARE YOU! I HAVE A FINE LOVE LIFE, AND YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GO SNOOPING AROUND BEHIND MY BACK!" the short-tempered Chinese shaman yelled.

"Ha! That's funny! You don't have a love life, Ren. I just gave you a push in the right direction. Besides, Jun helped! She forged your signature! And you're not alone, I'm signed up, and so is Lyserg!" he laughed.

"WHAT!" both Ren and Lyserg yelled together, causing the deaths of several more poor, unfortunate birds.

"YOU SIGNED ME UP FOR A BACHELOR AUCTION! HOW DARE YOU MESS IN MY PERSONAL LIFE!" Lyserg yelled at Horo at the same time Ren turned to Jun and shouted, "YOU HELPED HIM SIGN ME UP FOR A BACHELOR AUCTION! HOW COULD YOU!"

"Heh, heh, I'm gonna go now..." Jun ran off before Ren could kill her. Both turned to Horo with evil smiles on their faces.

"Uh, guys? Please don't look at me like that, it scares me. Hee, what are you gonna do with that? Put the cattle prods down... AUGH!" were the last sounds anyone heard before a series of high-pitched squeals and screams of terror floated out of the garage.

That night, all three of the teens made their way into the party room where the auction was to take place. Ren was dressed in fancy-looking so-called 'formal' attire. It was all black with gold trim, bringing out the sharpness of his tiger-like eyes.

Lyserg wore a loose green shirt and loose black pants, making him look more like a leprechaun than usual.

Horo was dressed in baggy black pants and a black tank top, all with light blue lining that brought out how his hair was black on the bottom and blue on top and the blueness of his eyes.

When they'd gotten their numbers, they went back stage and were shocked to see Yoh gloomily sitting with the number 5 in his hand. "Uh, Yoh, last time I checked, you were practically a married man." Horo pointed out.

"Anna signed me up against my will to show off to the girls who bid on me that I'm hers because she noticed how many of them make passes at me and she wants to teach them a lesson." he told them with a dejected sigh. Just then, Ryu stepped up to them.

"Oh, are you boys here to find your Shaman Queens, too?" he asked them.

"No, of course not. Anna signed him up, Pilica signed Horo up, and he thought he'd drag us down with him if he had to go so he got my sister's help and signed me and Lyserg up, too. We were perfectly happy with our romance lives before this." Ren glared pointedly at the ice shaman, who tried to squeeze himself inhumanly into the corner.

"Number 1, please come out number 1." came a voice on a speaker system they hadn't noticed. The defeated Chinese teen sighed and stepped out when he looked down and saw his number was 1. The others piled around the side of the stage excitedly to watch.

"What am I bid for this strapping young Chinese man?" the auctioneer boomed into the microphone. Ren forced himself to put on a weak smile which looked a lot more like a scowl. Realizing this, he tried harder, screwing up his face until the crowd of girls burst into laughter. At which point he gave up and gave them his fiercest glare, which only succeeded in making them laugh harder, many falling to the floor in fits of giggles.

Finally, they recomposed themselves and the bidding began.

"10!"

"30!"

"50!"

"100!"

"170!"

"300!"

A silence overtook them and they all waited, until one final cry rang out, "10000!"

"Sold!" came the answer, and Ren stalked off the stage.

"Number 2, please come out, number 2!" it boomed, and Lyserg inched his way out to the middle, and proceeded to stare at his shoes.

"And what am I bid for this sweet British boy?" it asked the crowd, who just went, "Awwwww, he's so cute!" in response.

Finally, the bidding began. "5!"

"40!"

"70!"

"400!"

The audience stayed silent until a faint, "Um, 550..." was whispered and the auctioneer called Sold! Lyserg blushed and practically ran off the stage.

"Number 3!" Ryu rushed out excitedly.

"Umm... what am I bid for this... umm... guy?" he asked the silent audience.

Crickets chirped in the background until a fat lady said, "1! He's gonna be cooking for me tonight!"

"Sold!" was the reply, and Ryu dragged himself off in tears.

"Number 4!" Yoh droopily plopped out on stage.

"Now, what am I bid for this handsome young Japanese boy?"

"100!" Anna called.

"500!"

"900!" Anna called.

"1000!" someone was continuously bidding, and it wasn't Anna.

"1100!" Anna yelled impatiently, and a little bit peeved that someone dared to defy her into spending so much money.

"1500!" the voice was awfully familiar.

"1800!" now Anna wasn't just peeved, she was pissed.

"50000!" knowing she couldn't top that, she glared over at... Hao Asakura! He smirked his smirk that only he can smirk and waved in a way that he knew wouldn't fail to annoy her. Yoh grew ten shades paler when he looked on the face of his one-night captor and had to be dragged off the stage when he fainted.

"Number 5!" Horo Horo walked on and smiled cheerfully, waving at his adoring fans.

"What am I bid for this nice Ainu boy?"

"90!"

"200!"

"500!"

"5000!"

"Sold!" Horo looked in horrifying terror at his slave driver for the night. Anna Kyouyama, and he could just guess what she'd have him do...


	2. Meet the Captors

Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King

CHAPTER TWO – Meet the Captors

Our favorite male shamans are now sulking over their bad luck back stage. "You! This is all your fault! If you hadn't been a stupid baka and signed us up, we'd be happy at home!" Ren pointed an accusing finger at Horo Horo.

"Hey! How was I to know you didn't want to go? Besides, Jun helped." the ice shaman pointed out.

"Save me! Don't let him take me away! I'm doomed! Why Anna? Why did you have to do this to me!" Yoh yelled hysterically at the sky, unable to keep still.

"Stop fidgeting before I go off the edge!" the Chinese shaman barked.

"Huh, none of us are going to survive the night at this rate. It's not even our dates yet and we're already bordering on complete pandemonium." Lyserg commented dryly. They lapsed into silence, each in their own thoughts, mostly going over mental survival plans.

"If I am traumatized for life, you are paying my bills." Ren informed Horo.

"You all, numbers one through five, this way!" called one of the assistants. They reluctantly stood and sluggishly followed him into another room, where their buyers were presently waiting.

Apparently, Anna and Hao were not on good terms, because two security guards stood between them, warily glancing at the unhappy girl. Hao smirked in triumph when he saw Yoh come in anxiously fidgeting, staring at his brother as though he were some kind of snake.

"FOOD!" the fat woman bellowed, grabbing Ryu's wrist and pulling him out.

"He's so hot!" a fan girl screeched and glomped Ren, who struggled to breathe in the choke hold. He managed to push her off and crossed his arms, lowering his face so that his hair hid his blush.

"Are you trying to strangle me! Let's just get this escapade over with, and stop treating me like a stuffed animal! What do I look like? A plushy?" he snapped after he recovered and had to continue to shove her off, as she refused to let go of his arm. He stumbled off, dragging his leg that she had a death hold on.

"Ahh, my little otouto. I expect to get my money's worth from you." Hao smirked mischievously and led the way out, knowing he was following. Anna scowled, then grinned evilly, and without a word, literally dragged Horo by his foot, out. Horo kicked and screamed and broke several nails trying to hold on to the carpet.

"Um, hi..." the girl who bought Lyserg whispered almost inaudibly. He blushed furiously and averted his eyes to the floor, scuffing at his shoes. Several moments passed and the guards finally shoved them out, where they walked in silence.


	3. Ren's Date Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King

CHAPTER THREE – Ren's Date Part One

Tao Ren stood in the lobby of a very fancy restaurant, looking around to be sure no one saw him. Attached to his arm was a hyperactive girl who simply rambled on and on about what was to him utter nonsense.

"Oh, Renny-chan, you're so cute when you're embarrassed!" she crooned in his ear. He yet again pushed her away, flushing pink and glancing around again, feeling out of place with the loud girl.

"Sir, may I direct you to a table?" a waiter asked politely, glaring at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Yes, please get us a seat somewhere unnoticeable." Ren sighed, looking apologetic. He nodded knowingly and showed them to the table in the far back corner.

"Ooh! We get a private seat! I knew you liked me!" she squealed, causing several people to look up from their meals.

"Sorry." he said quickly to them and shoved her into a seat, glaring harshly at her. As soon as he sat, she jumped up and plopped herself onto his lap.

"Get off of me!" he hissed, glancing warily to be sure he hadn't disturbed the other customers.

"Oh, Renny, I paid good money for you and I expect the best you have to offer. After we eat, let's go to a theme park! And you can start calling me Natasha." she said loudly, and people began asking for seats further away from them.

"Sir, may I take your order?" a waitress asked with a heavy British accent.

"Ren, don't look! Her breasts are huge! Stop with the phony British accent, we all know you're just here to steal my Ren!" Natasha yelled at the top of her lungs, standing on the table and covering his eyes. Slowly, he peeled her hands away while apologizing.

"I'm so sorry! She's normally better behaved, but I forgot her collar and leash. We'll have the special, and make it snappy; we have got to go soon."

"Better luck next time, Knockers!" Natasha screeched after the insulted woman.

'I wonder how the others are doing...'


End file.
